From War with My body to Compassion and Care: the IFS lens that changed my weight loss journey
Before I learned Internal Family Systems (IFS), I felt like I was at war with my body. I often felt like my head, with its brain and mind, was an entirely separate thing from my meat-suit. I could control my head (The Controller), but my body had a…well…mind of its own (The Body Protector).
Now, when I put an IFS lens on my difficult, sometimes dangerous relationship with my body, I have a new understanding of my past struggles, and a new path forward where my body and mind feel integrated together. In the following story, I’m going to name my parts as I talk about my struggles. They are in ( ) after the thought, emotion, or action they represent. I name my parts like this, but not everyone does. Some see their parts as animals, shapes, blobs, things, etc.
The Beginning of the War
I was maybe 8 or 9 when I first understood my body was growing larger than my classmates’. My parents were both larger-bodied, so I fit right in with them. But both my older brother and my younger sister were smaller than me (The Noticer).
I was 12 when my Dad had a heart attack. I turned to food to help me feel better (The Soother). Eating was comforting and made me feel warm and full. It made me feel safe in the moment when the world suddenly felt fragile (The Safety Seeker). The fear of death and the health changes my family went through on my Dad’s recovery journey actually seemed to make me move farther into using food for comfort, ironically (The Emotional Firefighter). There were foods that were GOOD and foods that were BAD (The Food Police). Foods we weren’t allowed to have anymore, and foods that didn’t taste as good, or good at all, took their place.
I was 13 the first time I remember hushed voices talking about my weight at the Doctor’s office (An Inner Child of 13 that holds Shame), and then there was a referral to a nutrition class.
I have spent decades trying to be smaller. More healthy. More fit (The Striver). I had weight loss surgery to make my stomach smaller (The I have-no-choice-but-to-do-something-drastic). When I was about 48, I stopped trying to be what I wasn’t. I stopped watching what I ate. I stopped exercising (The Rebel). While my actual weight didn’t change, I felt for the first time at peace with my body, food, and exercise. I just decided I was done with it all. No more trying (The Exhausted One).
I changed my language. Food became FUEL and Exercise became MOVEMENT (The Reframer). I started befriending my body and listening to its messages instead of pushing them away. Meditation helped me do this, and long walks in nature were for both my body and my mind. I relaxed into my full, round body. Was I at peace? No. But I found that the war I was waging could be quieted when I stopped restricting, counting, measuring, evaluating, and judging (The Calorie Accountant, The Macro Manager, The Inner Drill Sergeant).
Then, three years ago, my friend learned about Mounjaro on TikTok and decided to try it. She encouraged me to give it a try. It wasn’t easy for me to try something again, for I was sure it would be one more thing that wouldn’t work (The Skeptic). But I could stop anytime, and at this point, I was just fine if it didn’t work.
Well, it worked like nothing else ever has. Around this time, I learned about IFS, and the combination of the two tools has been life-changing.
My Parts: Before and After
When I look at photos from before I started the GLP-1 and lost 100 pounds, and now, I notice different parts lighting up.
There is a part of me that absolutely hates before-and-after photos (The Identity Protector). It feels like I am the same person, so why do we have to point out that my meat-suit was a lot bigger? Does this make me a better person? Does this make me kinder or more creative? More worthy of love and affection? Even at my lowest weight as an adult, I’m still someone before photo.
There is another part that feels like we are completely different people. I am more comfortable doing…everything. I walk farther. I am no longer anxious about needing a seat belt extender when I fly (The Travel Worrier has softened), so I want to go everywhere. I say yes so much more easily and more often (The Joy Finder).
I had lots of love and friendship in my larger body, so parts are relieved that my connection to people that I care about and that care about me was not meat-suit-size-dependent (The Connection Keeper).
And the angry part? It’s furious that I’m treated so differently by the world in a smaller body (The Justice Seeker). The fabrics and styles of clothing available in an XL differ drastically from those available in XXL (The Noticer, again).
And then there is my Self that feels very compassionate when I look at these photos. Self always knew that the food-noise and constant hunger were REAL and not imagined. Not a moral failure. I did try everything. Self understands that it was a battle against forces I couldn’t win until I had the right help.
Self also sits with the parts that have complicated feelings about using an expensive, not covered by insurance medication long-term (Money Manager). The parts that worry (The Worrier). The parts that judge (The Inner Critic). The parts that fear dependency (The Independence Protector). The parts that fear it will stop working, and I’ll be back to the beginning (The Catastrophizer).
There are still moments when parts try to grab the steering wheel from Self. Less sugar. More protein. More exercise. More water. More vegetables. Weigh even less (The Optimizer). Some of these parts will never be satisfied (The Never-Good-Enough Critic). Others cry with joy when we fit into something we never thought we would (The Relieved One).
All of these parts are welcome in my system. They just aren’t allowed to be in charge.
Self leads.
And when Self leads, my health goals feel different. They don’t feel like punishment. They feel like care. That’s the shift. Not from bigger to smaller, but from war to relationship. From shame to curiosity. From control to compassion.
How Compassion and Curiosity Stop the Battles
In the IFS process, we focus on finding parts inside or around our bodies. I learned IFS on my own before I had a therapist or coach to help me, so I used free meditations online to learn how to do this in my system.
At first, it felt strange. But I started noticing where parts showed up. Tight chest. Tar-pit in my stomach. Buzzing thoughts. Instead of trying to fix them, I got curious.
We know we are in Self, or at least have Self-energy, when we feel what IFS calls “The 8 C’s and the 4 P’.”
Calm, curious, clear, compassionate, creative, courageous, connected, and confident.
Patience, presence, persistance, perspective, and playfulness.
Here’s what it looks like in real life: a part says, “We need to lose more weight.” Instead of obeying it or fighting it, I slow down and ask my inner system, “Why?” Usually, it’s scared and trying to protect me from shame. When I respond with compassion instead of force, that part relaxes. My Self tells this part that we are safe in our relationships, and that people love us just as we are, and even as we were. And when parts relax, they don’t have to grab the steering wheel. They trust that Self has it.
Our protector parts are usually carrying something old. A memory. A belief. A moment when it decided it had to work this hard forever. When I can witness that from Self and let it know we’re not in the past anymore, it doesn’t have to carry that burden alone. That’s what IFS has meant to me. I still have the parts that feel and want me to do things a certain way. Many parts are actually very good at the job they were designed for. They just learned methods that no longer help. After getting to know these parts and building trust between them and Self, we work to find new, more positive jobs for them in the system.
That’s the shift. I didn’t push these parts away (which often makes them yell even louder inside!)
I promoted them. I changed their job descriptions.
They went from ready for battle to powerful allies. Instead of fighting each other and me, I can now call on them to work as a team. The Food Police now makes sure that I love just about everything I put in my mouth…because we find JOY in eating. The Striver pushes me to go for a walk in the afternoon because we will feel better when we move our meat-suit and feel the sun on our face. And the Inner Critic helps me ask the question, “Why are we dressing for other people? What do WE like?”
An IFS-Inspired Approach to Setting Goals without Shame
Internal Family Systems (IFS) has given me a language and a system for working with the parts of me that push (The Striver), judge (The Critic), perfect (The Perfectionist), and protect (All of Them). I know the struggles firsthand. That’s why I created my workbook, Self-Led Goals for Food, Exercise, and Body Image.
This is not another diet plan. It’s not another “try harder” strategy. It’s a way to pause and ask:
Who inside me wants this goal?
Who inside me is afraid of it?
Who is trying to protect me from something?
Because the difference between a parts-led goal and a Self-led goal changes everything.
A parts-led goal says: “I have to lose 20 pounds by March, or I’m a failure”.
A Self-led goal says: “I want to move my body because I deserve to feel strong and alive”.
One uses fear and the belief that “I’m too much”. The other is fueled by care and compassion.
Care is sustainable.
If you are in a larger body.
If you are using medication.
If you are not.
If you’ve tried everything.
If you’re tired.
If you’re angry.
If you’re grieving the years you spent fighting yourself.
You are not broken. Your parts are protecting you. Once they feel seen, heard, and understood, they can build trust with your Self.
This workbook is a place to start.
You deserve a health journey that doesn’t require self-abandonment. That’s the work now. Not becoming smaller.
Becoming Self-led.
I hope you can find a bit of peace inside your meat-suit.
